Sunday, February 13, 2011

Walking a Tightrope

All these medical issues I’ve been having lately; they’re really beginning to drag me down.  Except for sporadic office visits here and there during the early 90’s, I’ve largely avoided doctors my entire adult life.  I’ve come to now realize why.  Whereas I’d thought I possessed only a simple aversion to them, it turns out I’ve discovered that I have quite an anxiety about this whole doctoring and wellness thing.  Why?  I don’t know; I honestly don’t. It’s perhaps beyond conjecture.  What I do know, is that I constantly find myself alone, in yet another doctors office; who in turn winds up sending me to yet another – before returning back to them.  Most visits I find myself at some point finding it difficult to breathe; even often to the point of tears.  I start to get a little shaky, a little confused; I just want this all to go away.  A big, grown man such as me, driven to tears brought on by anxiety.  What a picture, huh?   All in all, and aside from a few creaks and groans (and headaches, a hiatial hernia, this damn growth in my sinus, skin cancer, peripheral neuropathy, etc. etc. etc.), I’m in fairly decent shape.  Strong as a bull, considering I don’t exercise nearly as much as I should.  Well, I guess I don’t exercise at all (does sex count?).  I guess what I’m trying to say is all this doctoring is driving me nuts.  But I’ve started it, and I’ve never been prone to just up and quitting something.  

I’m currently being seen by 3 physicians; and I’ve got another 3 I’m supposed to schedule appointments with.  To top that off I’ve had this lingering contagion within my knees since December; one that has had me in the emergency room a total of 7 times now I believe, and thrice-weekly visits to a wound specialist at the outset.  Co-pays are starting to kill me; and let’s not overlook the multitude of meds they have me on now.  Let me see… two for migraines, one for pain, one for pain & inflammation, and two antibiotics.  Jesus.  You’d think my casket was already lined up; but damn it, I’m strong, and I don’t want anymore of this.  Tell you one thing, the medical profession has sure come a long way since the late 80’s; but it’s definitely a big business.  And I’m a prime client; everybody in the loop has got their hand out, and I feel like they’re passing me around the table like a Thanksgiving turkey.  Simply put, this is getting depressing.  This is too much for me to concentrate on, and I’m an analyst by trade.  That’s saying something.  I guess it would be nice if I was in the position of having my own personal assistant to coordinate these things for me; but I’m not.  I’m a big boy; but it’s definitely getting me down. 

Since all this has been going on, I’ve found myself scaling back in my social affairs somewhat; perhaps a different story altogether.  So here I am, walking this tightrope of uncertainty.  I’ve got to face it alone; and I’m surrounded.  As I span this tightrope of solitude, I have sickness and depression on either side of me staring me down; while I ease slowly onwards.  I figure if I can make it to the other side, I can leave all three behind me.  I hope…


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