Thursday, February 17, 2011

Unwritten Codes of Life - Protocols for Men, Pt. I - Public Restrooms

  • Discussions are not to be initiated, and conversations are generally to be avoided altogether.

  • Eye contact is to be averted; and when standing at the urinal, the head and eyes are to be directed straight ahead at the wall. This is precisely why many establishments now frame the sports page on the wall behind every urinal. Get a clue.

  • Stalls are to initially be chosen from the ends, opposite sides first, working inwards towards the middle.

  • Unless absolutely necessary, an adjoining stall to one that's already occupied is never chosen.

  • Under NO circumstances, are "wide-stances" to be tolerated.

  • Courtesy flushes are acceptable. Do not impugn, nor fret over them.

  • When two men, from separate paths, eventually make a beeline for the same restroom door, the man not in the lead shall yield by pretending he's actually heading in another direction.

  • When you're the only one in the restroom, and you've had ample time to conduct your business accordingly; your time is officially up once somebody else steps into another stall.

  • Wash your damn hands. With hot water. And lots of Gojo.

  • I don't care if you just washed your damn hands, I ain't shakin' it. Really? As a matter of fact, you shouldn't have even noticed I was in here, if you'd simply paid heed to the eye-contact protocol.

  • Under no circumstances, ever, is it acceptable to perform personal surgery in a bathroom stall. Trust me on this one.

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