Thursday, October 27, 2011

The True Reason

Throughout the years, I’ve engaged in quite an assortment of faith-based debates; usually taking up the con position on the topic of whether or not modern Christianity has it right. This will not be intended as a thread to debate this subject; however for those who are curious, and have silently wondered as to the basis of my (antifaith-based) beliefs, it has a lot to do with my mother. It was my mother, who brought us to Jesus in 1973. Prior to that, she was just like any other middle class divorced mother raising a son in the suburbs. She had a successful career in escrow administration; very pioneering for a working mother of the 60’s and 70’s. I of course, was the typical latch-key kid of the era; though she managed to keep me involved in Scouts and Little League. Despite the pressures on her as not only my primary parent (dad would pick me up most weekends), but as a career working parent, she managed to always stay involved. Sometimes she’d get very moody, even throw the occasional temper tantrum; but not entirely unforeseeable coming from a single parent from Irish Texan stock. But she was my mama, and she was a passionate human being…

It was about the time I was 10, that she brought Jesus into our lives. She had been receiving some sort of psychiatric counseling a couple years before that, possibly for depression – I don’t know. I was too young to understand those kinds of things. But suddenly, she found her purpose in Jesus. Mind you, she had gone to church off and on her whole life, even while I was a little baby; but now she was completely embracing the faith. And so too I, as an obedient child, began to embrace our new life in Jesus. Everything we did in our lives, was to honor God, through Jesus. Everything. Thanks was given for everything; and everything that happened was according to His Will.

Allow me to make a long story short. If this sounds like bliss to you, perhaps it may have seemed like it at the time – but in retrospect, it was not. You see, the woman who sought Jesus was my mother – but once He entered her – I lost my mother. She became somebody else. She lost her sense of humor. She lost her tolerance for humanity. Instead of her and I, and living our lives; it became about what God and Jesus wanted. Every single decision, every single interaction from that day forward was no longer about us – it was about God’s Will. It was about 5 years later, that my mother chose for me to leave, packed up my suitcase, and had my father pick me up. Not for anything I outright did, but because I was becoming a young man who began to formulate his own thoughts. Mind you, I never questioned God (that didn’t come till many years later), I was just growing up – and so was my mind. That was 33 years ago; and my mother had managed to extract herself from everyone’s lives – except God. At one point, I went 19 years without seeing her; and she has spent the last 41 years of her life alone. Earlier this year we were having a phone conversation, and she actually cussed about something. I felt a rush of joy fall over me as this rare glimpse of her true soul shined through for a moment; only to realize how ironic it was that in order to save her soul, she had to sacrifice it…

At some point during the middle of the night last night, my mother passed away in a cold, unattended room. All I can say is, I hope she was right



  1. Sad story Bill. It may give you some closure to to find out what she was seeing a psychiatrist for. Would your father now, or one of her relatives? Perhaps there was a disorder she was trying to work through?

  2. Wow, I had NO idea you felt the same way I do about when we lost our "true" mom. We lost her back when she gave her soul to Jesus. I guess you could say He made us orphans back in 1973.

    To this day, I miss her authentic laughter, her sense of humor, her humanity. Why did she lose herself...and why did she just let go of her children the way she did? Why didn't she just let us love her, my brother...the way she did when we were small children?

    It's a mystery, Kiddo...a damn mystery.

    My greatest hope at this moment is that she's laughing and happy wherever she is tonight. I wish her peace and joy and love most of all.